losing weight

If you would have asked me last year if I wanted to lose weight, my response would have been something like this; "If you don't like me the way I am screw you, and if some man doesn't like me like this then he's too shallow for me anyway and I am totally already mad at men who will like me if I lose weight, because who do they think they are only liking me when I'm skinny, this sucks I dont want to...but I do want to lose weight."

Notice the run-on sentence for effect.
Actually, it's not for effect. I tend to write really long run on sentences and not notice.

Now I am about 40 days into a 100 day challenge with my sister and 2 women named erin.
It's biggest loser style, body weight percentage will be counted at the big weigh in and the winner gets a new bathing suit. Of course it will be bought by the losers. Do I call them losers? I guess we all will be losers.

This challenge is bringing up things in me that are unexpected. Like my bitterness toward the thought of me being a healthy weight. The independent do-whatever-i-want woman in me rises and I start to eat more of the things I told myself I wouldn't just because I can.

I haven't lost a pound.

Am I the only one that rebels against herself for no reason?
Why am I doing this?
This has been a cycle for me my whole life! I'm 25 now, and I haven't EVER taken time to be consistent and that goes for everything, not just weight loss.

I want to lose weight for lots of reasons. In fact here's a list;
1. I want to breakdance
2.I want to wear dresses and not have to wear spandex under them.
3. I want to be able to climb a mountain
4. I want to not feel like I'm "sitting in fat" when I'm in a car or small place. (that one is weird I know)
5. I want to run at a moments notice and not be red for like an hour.
6. I want to wear non-stretch jeans
7. I don't want to be looked at as the "big, but pretty" girl anymore
8. (this one's a shocker) I want to look normal.

For those of you who know me, looking "normal" has never been in my vocabulary.
I just think it'd be nice to wear a white t-shirt and jeans....go into public and not be stared at.

I guess these are just some things that are bugging me, there's no revelation here really.
Getting them down makes it a little more obvious though. I can see the problem now, and I can solve it.
Consistency is the answer.
Now to do it.
here we go, In Jesus name, AMEN